So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
