Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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