So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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