Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
