I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
