My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
