If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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