I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
