____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I need water and some morals
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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