There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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