Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
