Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
