Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
