How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
