woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
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There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
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I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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