apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
