everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
He kissed a someone with a penis
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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