I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
