He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
It's official drugs can't kill me
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
