I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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