She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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