My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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