Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
