OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
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