two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
