Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
