Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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