I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize