tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
