did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
