You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
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