you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
