I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
