there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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