I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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