My liver just broke up with me...
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
