well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
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