You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
