smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
