Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
