I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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