My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
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I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
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just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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