I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
