plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Randomize
