my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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