I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
