i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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