Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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