is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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