just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Randomize
