Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
