did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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