i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
