your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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