I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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