This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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