Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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