Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
