There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
