A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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