I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
