It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
