i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
